The Daddy Issues Healing Kit
Being estranged or distanced from our fathers can be incredibly painful. Whether your relationship with your Dad is complex, tense, destructive, or non-existent, I believe there is a tool for you in this kit that will help you to find some comfort and healing.
If you do everything in this kit, you will have a FULL day of ceremony, but you can also spread it out over time, and you can definitely use these practices over and over again.
I sincerely hope this kit will be a balm for you. I’m so proud of you for going on this journey, for committing to yourself and your healing, and I’m so grateful you’re allowing me to accompany you on the way!
Please understand that this work carries potentially re-traumatizing heaviness. The goal of this is NOT to send you into a traumatized state. If you feel you will need extra support from a trauma-informed specialist, I encourage you to complete this work with the help of your therapist, or contact me and we can set up a Life Coaching session during which I can walk you through some Nervous System re-regulation techniques to help you cope.
Find the Ceremony Space + Cleanse
These practices are best done outdoors. The grounding energy of the earth can be deeply stabilizing to us when we have been removed from Divine Masculine energy for too long. If you don’t have access to a private outdoor space and you don’t feel comfortable practicing these in a public outdoor space, you may remain indoors, but try to stay on the floor for the majority of these practices.
Before you enter the space, shower or bathe. Water is incredibly helpful for diffusing tense energy, just ask any empath you know! You want to enter into this with a calm and open heart. Bathing also adds a little of the water element to what will otherwise be a very earthy day of ceremony. This is to energetically keep yourself feeling flowy and flexible, which will be necessary as you flow through different feelings and unfamiliar practices.
Cleanse with smoke. Smoke adds a little fire and a little air, ensuring that you are in the energy of fortitude and expression.
I recommend a Rosemary smudge stick. I do NOT recommend White Sage or Palo Santo, as their high demand has resulted in the over-farming of these plants and the ecological destruction of their environments. Additionally, White Sage has ceremonial importance to many Indigenous tribes, so if you’re not Indigenous and you want to be in respectful relationship with this culture, I’d stay away from using White Sage unless invited into the practice by someone of Indigenous descent.
Wear comfortable clothes that help you feel grounded (for example, I have a pink sweater that is basically my adult security blanket. I always wear it when I’m sitting in ceremony or doing hard Shadow Work).
Have plenty of water, facial tissues, a pen and journal, and snacks that your inner child might like as a reward (I like popcorn) available.
You may have flowers, pictures of your father, or objects that are meaningful to your relationship with your father, if available and comfortable for you.
Include anything else you think you might like, particularly focusing on textures, music, and scents that make you feel grounded and secure.
If you choose to use sacred medicine like Cacao, THC, CBD, Psilocybin, MDMA, Ayahuasca, Peyote, Kambo, etc., please use sparingly and with an understanding of what your tolerance levels are, and if applicable, please recruit the help of a “trip sitter” or sober companion, keeping in mind the consumption laws of your area if you are in public.
Please do NOT use alcohol with this Kit. Alcohol is a depressant that damages neural plasticity, so it’s use is antithetical to this work.
Safe Earth Exercise
Lay on the ground. Breathe. You may have your eyes open or closed.
Notice the feeling of your lungs pressing out of the back of your body and into the earth beneath you. Feel the support of the earth holding you up, pressing against you, steadily and firmly.
Breathe intentionally and slowly, making sure your exhale is longer than your inhale.
Now focus on places where you are missing support in your relationship with your father. Allow the firm hand of the earth to hold you, lift you, support you, and be there for you in place of your father.
Allow yourself to fully feel whatever comes up for you, but don’t stop breathing.
Take as long as you need here, until you feel truly supported and safe.
If you need to shake it out after this exercise, this a beautiful way to release any pent-up energy and tension.
Journal Prompts
You may choose to do these all at once, or spread them out, as you see fit. Please take your time to feel into these, write intentionally and with curiosity. What you put in is what you’ll get out.
What sensations am I feeling in my body after the first exercise? Any aches and pains? What do those physical experiences bring up for me emotionally?
What do I wish my relationship with my dad was?
If I could say anything to my dad, what would it be?
What might my father have been going through that made him treat me the way he did?
What can I / do I want to let go of when it comes to my dad? What can’t I / do I not want to let go of? Why?
In what ways do I find myself distrusting of men that might tie back to my relationship with my father? Are there any other toxic behaviors I have towards men that can possibly reflect my relationship with my dad?
Do I know any fathers who I really admire? List them and why they inspire.
This next section of questions is for those who are parents or who plan to become parents:
What were some of the things I liked about the way my dad interacted with me / raised me as a child? What about things I didn’t like?
How might those behaviors or patterns affect the way I choose to raise my kids?
Putting myself in my younger-self’s shoes, how would I have preferred to have been comforted? Supported? Communicated with? Listened to? Disciplined?
Now how can I apply those preferences to how I parent my children / future children?
A Compassion Practice
This is a meditation I have been doing for 6 years, every day. NOTHING has influenced my healing journey more than this meditation: Metta Bhavana. “Metta Bhavana” means, “Lovingkindness” in Sanskrit, and it begins with a benevolent, loving wish for yourself, and then moves to include others. For the purposes of this Care Kit, you may find it particularly helpful to focus on your father and his family line in the fourth chapter (you’ll see what I mean when you get there).
A note about compassion: Compassion is NOT forgiveness. If you have been deeply hurt by someone or deeply traumatized by your father, offering compassion in the fourth chapter is NOT the same as offering forgiveness. Compassion is a path to forgiveness, but they are not one and the same. You may be able to offer compassion to your father now for his hurtful actions, but it may take you years to forgive. Or you may never find it possible to forgive—and that’s ok. You don’t have to.
This meditation is 20 minutes.
Write A Letter
Get your paper and pen ready, stretch out your hands, take a few healing, intentional breaths, and write your dad a letter. This can be a 40 page letter if you need it to be—let it ALL out. Nobody is going to read this, and you’re not going to send it, so you can write anything you want, don’t hold back. After you’re finished with this letter, you can burn it ceremoniously, bury it, tear it into a million pieces, or any other way that feels appropriate for you to dispose of it.
If you’re not sure where to start, you can follow this template:
Dear Dad,
Here’s what I’m feeling towards you right now:
I am angry about:
I am sad about:
I forgive you for:
I don’t forgive you for:
I wish:
I release:
Then sign off in whatever way you feel is appropriate.
A Practice in Boundaries
This is a great practice for anytime, and will translate incredibly well into interactions with anyone, not just your father. Our fathers (and the patriarchy in general) can push our boundaries a great deal. Between male privilege and parent-child power dynamics, the boundaries that our fathers can violate can cause a harmful and lasting effect on our ability to say “no” to that which we don’t want in our lives.
Turn on a high energy playlist. Maybe your workout playlist, or some shamanic drumming.
Stand up, put your fists on your hips in “superman pose,” and feel your feet ground into the floor.
For the length of two songs, breathe deeply and evenly. Feel your confidence rise up in your body, feel the energetic shift.
As you feel your body and energy start to shift to confidence, speed your breathing up, drawing courage into your lungs.
When you feel courageous, think about all the boundaries you want to set, all of the times you’ve had your boundaries disrespected.
Then, yell, “NO!” and push your hands out in front of you. Set that mfing boundary!
Repeat.
Repeat again. Do this several times, until saying, “NO!” feels natural, exhilarating, and good.
Once you feel satisfied, shake your body out for the full length of a song. Run in place, shake your arms and legs, twerk, roll your neck, MOVE your body.
When the song is over, lay down on your back with a thin blanket or yoga mat rolled under the top of your shoulders and another rolled under your knees. Place your arms straight out in either direction, with your palms facing up (this is a yogic meditation pose called “raft pose”).
Slow your breathing, making sure that your exhale is longer than your inhale.
When you begin to feel calm, allow your heart to open and expand.
Smile gently to yourself, and think of all the things you wish to allow into your life.
Gently say, “YES”.
Repeat.
Repeat again. Do this several times, until saying, “YES” feels natural, embodied, and expansive.
Take a nap after this. You’ll need the rest for integration.
A Self-Support Exercise
Imagine that you are holding a baby in your arms. Breathe and look into this baby’s eyes.
Place your hands on your heart and breathe slowly.
Say to the baby:
“I love you. You are mine, you are of me, and as such you are perfect.
“Even in your flaws, you are perfect to me.
“Sometimes in this life you’re going to mess up, you’re going to make mistakes, you’re going to fail, and it’s going to be humiliating and it’s going to hurt like hell.
“But I will ALWAYS be here to support you, to pick you up and dust you off, and to tell you that I love you.
“Because you’re mine, and you are of me, and as such you are PERFECT.”
Now, look deep into the baby’s eyes and understand the truth:
This baby is YOU.
An Inner Child Regression
This guided meditation will help you to heal and integrate a painful childhood experience. Try to come up with a memory that you would like to work with before you press play.
Please do not choose your most traumatizing childhood memory for this meditation, as Inner Child Regression through deep trauma should be facilitated by a trauma-informed specialist.
This meditation is 60 minutes.
A Cord Cutting
A note about this cord cutting: just because you are cutting the cord that binds you energetically, does not mean that you need to never speak to or see your father again. This is just a way for you to set an energetic boundary for yourself, ensuring that you will no loner be allowing your relationship with your father to energetically drain you.
This can be paired with the cord-cutting meditation in the Mama Trauma Care Kit (if you don’t have access to that Kit, please contact me to get access), or it can be done on it’s own.
Items you will need:
A candle or a picture of your father
a long (4-5 ft is best) piece of ribbon, floss, string, or yarn
A smudge stick (remember what I said about White Sage and Palo Santo up at the top, though. xo)
A pair of scissors
Put on a playlist of lullabies that remind you of your father’s heritage (for example, my father is Mexican, so I would search YouTube or Spotify for “Mexican Lullabies”).
Create a physical cord for yourself by tying a ribbon around your waist and then tying the other end around a candle or a picture of your father. As you do so, imagine a warm band of golden light exiting out of your Solar Plexus (your belly) and flowing towards and around the candle/picture. This is an energetic totem for your life-force.
Breathe slowly.
You can hug yourself and rock back and forth if it feels grounding and safe to you.
Summon the energy of your father to you. When you feel his presence close to you, you may proceed:
Read your letter that you wrote to your father (if you haven’t written one yet per the exercise above, that’s ok! write one now, even if you’re just speaking it out loud into the ether).
Feel your feelings fully. If you need to take breaks to cry, yell, breathe, laugh, or process, take those breaks unapologetically.
When you feel you have expressed everything you need to say, take some time to say goodbye to this energetic connection.
Then, take your scissors in your hands. Holding them, infuse them with the energy of self-love and self-respect that is causing you to cut this cord in the first place. Allow them to be a tool for you that proves to you just how deeply you love yourself.
Cut the cord.
After the cord is cut, recall your energy from the end of the severed piece of the cord. Imagine the golden light flowing back into your belly, filling you with strength and renewal. You may use your smudge stick to cleanse your energy and the energy of the space afterwards.
You may repeat this ceremony for anyone else with whom you feel you have an energetically draining connection.
Don’t be ashamed or worried if you feel grief throughout this ceremony or even long after it. Sometimes it still hurts to let go of something or someone, even when we know that’s what is best for us.
A Mourning Exercise for Those Who’ve Lost Their Father
My therapist said to me once, “Grief is just love with no place to go.” And I took that even further, realizing that this means that my heart is so big, so full of love, so capable of loving others (and, bonus! I’m not a sociopath!), and the object of my love was so worthy of love that I could hold this much grief over the loss of them. With that in mind, here’s a beautifully simple way of celebrating that love, and allowing your grief to become less bitter, and more bittersweet:
Make a list of everything you loved about your father.
Make a list of your favorite memories with your father.
Make a list of all the things you are grateful to your father for.
Burn the list, preferably outdoors in a fire-safe container. Allow the smoke to drift up and carry your love and gratitude into the sky, up into the heavens, out into the Universe.
Bury the ashes at the base of a plant, and allow those ashes to help new life continue to flourish.
I hope this Kit has been healing and soothing for you, and I’m sending you so much love. Should you need additional support, you can book a session with me by clicking the link below.
All my Metta, Maria
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